Working With Anger-B

Patience; The Alternative

Because anger and other destructive emotions are not the nature of our mind/heart, they can be eliminated and eventually removed completely from our mind stream through the development of patience, love, compassion, and wisdom. Thus, an alternative exists to either expressing or suppressing anger. Expressing anger does not rid ourselves of it. On the contrary, each time we express hostility, we strengthen the habit of feeling and acting out its violent energy. Suppressing anger doesn’t eliminate it either. It may still erupt, sometimes when we are least prepared to handle it. Expressing anger is one extreme and suppressing it is another. Patience is an alternative. It is the ability to remain internally calm and undisturbed in the face of harm or difficulties. It involves dissolving the anger- energy so that it is no longer there. Then, with a clear mind, we can evaluate various alternatives and decide what we want to say or do to remedy a situation. Two people who are both angry, may manifest it in totally different behaviors; one is aggressive, the other passive.

The Advantages of Patience

Patience is an internal attitude, not an external behavior. Calmness in the face of harm gives us the space to evaluate situations clearly and thus to make wise decisions. Patience also benefits our health by leaving our minds free from turbulence and pain and our body free from tension. It also enables us to live free from the pain of grudges, resentment, and the wish for revenge. Because we are able to communicate better with others, our relationships are more harmonious and last longer. Instead of being ripped apart by anger, they are deepened by attentive listening and considerate speech. We then amass fewer regrets and so our mind is more at ease.

Is Anger Ever Useful?

Anger is not a reliable or necessary indicator of wrongdoing. We may become angry not because our rights have been denied, but because we didn’t get what we wanted. We may become angry not because someone’s behavior is unacceptable, but because we’re overly sensitive. With a clear and calm mind, we can assess situations and reach the same conclusions. Plus, this has none of the adverse side effects of anger. Anger does let us know our mind is disturbed and our buttons are being pushed. By removing our buttons, we change the automatic and habitual responses that often get us tangled up in cycles of anger and conflict with others. When angry, we may feel a sense of power, but this is a false power because fueled by aversion and blame anger needs an enemy to exist. To grow, we must go beyond resentment and blame and come to a state of peace and acceptance, where we are willing to let the past be past and go on with our lives. This involves a process that takes time and patience with ourselves. It cannot be rushed or forced.

How can we release our anger? One way is to acknowledge and accept our anger, along with the pain and fear that propels it, and to note that all of these are mental events—temporary feelings that arise in our minds but do not define who we are. We practice observing the arising, existence, and disappearing of such mental factors without either rejecting the feelings or letting them overwhelm us. Whether we reject a feeling or become attached to it, the result is similar—that emotion controls us. When we can allow an emotion to be, without either pushing it away or buying into its storyline, it will gradually lose its power over us. Feelings go away by themselves because they are only temporary by their very nature. Competition may be a socially acceptable way of venting anger, but it doesn’t cure it. A certain kind of “competition” is good—not with other living beings upon whom our survival and happiness depend, but with our own ignorance and uncaring attitudes, which are our real enemies. We can generate the motivation to improve ourselves and our world because we care about them, not because we simply want to come out on top.

Instead of anger, we can use compassion—the wish for others to be free from difficulties and confusion—as a powerful motivator. It is more balanced, realistic, and effective than anger. Compassion is an attitude which realizes that others’ wish to be happy and to avoid difficulties is just as intense and worthy of respect as our own. Others may be confused and use harmful methods in their effort to be happy. That has to be fixed. But their wish for happiness is to be honored. If we can see that both victim and the perpetrator of harm equally want to be happy and free from suffering, we can intervene to stop harmful situations with compassion for both sides, not compassion for the victim and revenge for the perpetrator. Anger doesn’t change the past or improve the future, so what good is it? With compassion we can act to improve the situation.

When we are angry with someone, we must realize that the person and his behavior are separate. If we understand that each person has some internal goodness that can never be destroyed, no matter how badly he or she may act, then we can forgive and let go of our anger toward the person who has harmed us and at the same time maintain that his behavior was injurious and unacceptable and should not be continued in the future. Forgiving benefits ourselves as well as others. When we hold onto our anger, we’re tense and unhappy, and this affects our relationships and physical health. By forgiving, we let go of our anger and thus stop our own suffering.

We cannot force ourselves to get rid of our anger or to forgive someone. Sometimes we first may need to remove ourselves physically from a stress-provoking person or situation to get some mental distance. Then, through practicing the antidotes to anger, we can gradually dissolve it. As we do, the spaciousness, clarity, and gentleness of forgiveness will naturally arise in our hearts.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Remembering is important, but no benefit comes from keeping the pain, hurt, resentment, and anger alive in our hearts. Remembering with compassion is more powerful.

Taken from Working With Anger, Thubten Chodron, 2001