Working With Anger-D

Training In Patience

The general strategy for working with anger involves reframing a situation so that we view it from a new perspective. Training ourselves when we are not upset or in a tense situation is important. For example, we might rerun a mental video of a difficult situation, but practice thinking differently within it. By viewing it from a new perspective we can decrease our anger and envision ourselves responding differently. This not only helps us dissolve past hurt and grudges, but familiarizes us with techniques we can use in the future.

Since our problems begin with the way our mind interprets and reacts to situations, the solution begins inside our mind as well. Instead of going around in circles trying to decide what to DO, we should shelve the urgency to fix the problem and focus on transforming our emotions and attitudes. Once that is done, what to say or do is not so difficult to decide.

A technique for subduing anger involves noticing the various physical and mental sensations that arise and pass as the anger flows through us. We may notice physical sensations such as blood rushing to our head, our heart pounding, or an ache in our stomach. We may notice the emotional pain of hurt feelings, disappointment, and unfulfilled expectations. Simply observing these, by feeling them without words and not reacting to them by clinging to them or pushing them away, we experience them as they are in the present moment. In doing this, we watch them arise and pass of their own accord. Even if people try, they cannot sustain a negative emotion for very long. Whatever grief, anger, despair, or resentment may arise in the mind, its nature is impermanent and it will pass. Using such mindfulness as observing our emotions and thoughts closely, changing moment by moment, can be very effective in letting go of negative emotions.

Changing the way we describe and interpret situations subdues our anger because we stop exaggerating and projecting negativities onto people, situations, and objects. In this way, the external event, its meaning and our position in it appear to us differently, and our anger evaporates. In working with anger, different approaches work for different people. Also, we shouldn’t expect anger to disappear overnight. Subduing anger is a slow and steady process. Reacting in anger is a deeply ingrained habit, and like all bad habits, it takes time to unlearn. Developing patience requires a great deal of effort---and patience!

Antidotes To Anger

These techniques are often called “antidotes” because they neutralize the poison of negative emotions, in this case anger. In all situations—personal and international—freeing ourselves from our narrow understanding of a situation by seeing it from another’s viewpoint is an effective remedy for anger. We can ask ourselves, “If I had grown up in that person’s family, society, time in history, and cultural conditions, what would my needs and concerns be in this situation?”

When we look at the situation from the other person’s viewpoint, sometimes we see that they perceive it differently than WE thought they did. Other times, we realize that we have little idea of how a situation appears to another person or what their needs or concerns are. Therefore we need to ask them; and when they respond, we need to listen without interrupting. After they have fully expressed themselves, we can share our perspectives, and generally, a productive discussion will occur.

Another technique for working with anger is to ask ourselves, “Is the person who is harming me happy?” Obviously, they are miserable. That’s why they’re acting this way. If they were happy, they wouldn’t be quarrelsome.

We all know what it’s like to be unhappy, and that’s exactly how the other person feels right now. Let’s stop seeing the situation from our self-centered perspective and put ourselves in their shoes. When we’re unhappy, how would we like others to respond to us? Generally we want them to understand and help us. That’s exactly how the other person feels. Given that they are unhappy and would like help, how can we be angry with them? They should be the object of our compassion, not our anger. If we think like this, we’ll find our hearts filled with patience and loving-kindness for the other, no matter how they act toward us. We may even feel inspired to help them.

How can we help someone who is angry at us? First we can pause, listen, and consider whether the other’s complaints about us are justified. If so, we can apologize and correct the situation. That often stops their anger. Second, when people are upset and angry, we can try to be calm and not argue back, because in their present state of mind, they won’t be able to listen to us. It’s better to help them settle down and talk about the situation later.

When we discuss disagreements, engaging in reflective, or active listening is helpful. Here, we summarize our understanding of how the situation appears to the other’s eyes, and their feelings needs, and concerns, without commenting on any of these. This allows us to check whether our interpretations of what they are thinking and feeling are accurate, and it also lets them know that we have understood them correctly. They will relax when they feel that we understand what they are saying. Then, we tell them how the situation appears to us and our feelings, needs, and concerns. Dialogue can now take place.

Coping With Criticism

Since ancient times it has been the case
That those who speak too much are criticized,
As are those who speak too little
And those who don’t speak at all.
Everyone in this world is criticized. — The Dhammapada

When we receive criticism, we usually feel that we’re the only person that is so obviously mistreated. However, we find that almost everyone feels they are criticized unfairly or too much. We have to admit that, because we are self-centered, the injustice and pain of the criticism seems greater than everyone else’s. When we put our situation into perspective and realize that everyone is unjustly blamed (or justly held responsible!), distress over our own situation diminishes. We can tell ourselves, “millions of people get criticized everyday. This is not an uncommon experience. In addition, this isn’t the first time someone has blamed me unjustly and it won’t be the last. I’d better get used to it, because unsatisfactory experiences are the nature of life.” Before long the tension and anger has evaporated.

What prompts our almost instant reaction of anger when someone criticizes us? It’s usually because we think we are perfect or nearly so. Obviously not.

Acknowledge Our Mistakes

Our faults and mistakes are obvious and people see them. A person noticing them is merely commenting on what is evident to everyone. Why should we get angry?

We would be more relaxed if we acknowledged, “Yes, you’re right. I made a mistake.”, or ”Yes, I have a bad habit.” Instead of trying to appear perfect, we could just admit our error and apologize. Having faults means we’re normal, not hopeless.

Our pride prevents us from admitting our mistakes. We feel we’ll become less important or worthwhile or the other person will have power over us. To defend ourselves, we attack back, diverting attention from ourselves to the other.

Apologizing indicates inner strength, not weakness. We have enough honesty and self-confidence that we don’t pretend to be faultless. We can admit our mistakes. So many tense situations can be diffused by the simple words “I’m sorry.” Often all the other person wants is for us to acknowledge their pain and our role in it.

Taken from Working With Anger, Thubten Chodron, 2001